You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
