When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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