Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
