it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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