I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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