Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
