So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
