the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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