OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
