She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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