I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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