The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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