So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
