I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
its not stalking. its research.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
