god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
