did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
