My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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