im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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