i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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