Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
They have beer where we have blood.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
