You're so nebulous sometimes
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
