just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
