someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
