"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
50% drunk capacity currently
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
