just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
