How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
