He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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