why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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