Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize