allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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