What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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