I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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