I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Randomize
