Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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