my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
