saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
