Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
