Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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