Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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