Don't make out with my wife yet
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
