rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
