Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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