so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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