roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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