I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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