I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I look better un-naked...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
