I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
