i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
