Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
