I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Randomize
