my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
