definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
