nut hugger
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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